My Path to Faith: Diana Dunlap
April 1, 2008
It was suggested to me that I write about my recent walk to find faith. I was also told to write, which I will explain later.
I have spent my life in and out of church. Always a believer, sometimes studying the Bible, sometimes very active in church, then falling out of church because of one reason or another. I must admit many times I fell out of church because the church went off the tracks and left me standing in the via media. My son, when he was very young, was the one who inspired my husband and me to join the Episcopal Church. His faith and his understanding of Scripture, beginning at a very young age, are still very astute. The Episcopal Church is where I began studying and learning about our God and the Scripture. That was just before the Episcopal Church went awry, which is when I began feeling abandoned. My husband’s job afforded us the opportunity to move a few times to different cities in Texas and each time we managed to find a church. Each one had problems, and it was such an unsettling experience that I managed to find excuses not to worship on Sundays. I felt something was missing but I was unsure how to deal with it.
I continued my life of excuses and justification of those excuses for several years. I was frequently angry with how my own life was going. People I worked with were cunning and hypocritical—people who claimed to be Christians. Others I worked with or were associated with were cruel to their fellow human beings. I felt cheated in life because even if we had a windfall of money through the sale of a home or increase in salary, it still disappeared. I began exploding for no reason, losing my temper, then crying. Life just wasn’t going right; it wasn’t fair.
At times, we thought we were headed down the right path only to find it was a dead end. We would scramble for another door to walk through. I cursed frequently and realized I had become one of those people I didn’t like (except I don’t think I was ever cruel to anyone). We had extended family problems that constructed a brick wall between them and us. I won’t go into that because it really doesn’t matter—not anymore. I will say that this wall made my life totally miserable for many years. It was also the reason I finally took the right path and found my faith.
My husband and I made another move and wound up here in San Antonio. Things began to happen. My husband was looking through the Yellow Pages for an Episcopal Church that still used the 1928 Prayer Book. As you can imagine, he became frustrated because he didn’t see anything that looked promising. I picked up the phone book and without thinking went directly to Anglican Churches. This had to be a message from our Lord because the thought of “Anglican Church” never crossed my mind…but I turned to it immediately. Of course, All Saints Anglican Church was right there!
I got the Mapsco out to find the location, and we drove over to see the church. We pulled up to the curb and were contemplating our next move when an attractive woman walked out of the church and introduced herself as Patti Babb. She was so friendly and encouraging we decided to accept her invitation to visit. Our first visit was a good one. The service was a beautiful service and very similar to what we once knew. Even though we had found a church that we believed was a good one for us, I still found excuses not to attend on occasion and my life was still in upheaval most of the time. The family wall was still an anger issue with me.
Months went by and I finally decided it was time to go talk with our priest about this family wall. He helped me through this walk of forgiveness—a walk that I never thought I would be able take. He told me, “God cannot touch sin.” I never thought of myself as a sinner. I knew I was far from perfect, but not a sinner per se. I finally realized that I was sinning because I could not forgive that person who had hurt me, my husband, and, most of all, our son. I had clung to that hate for so long it was keeping me from my Savior and keeping Him from helping me overcome it. Needless to say it took a few visits with our priest as well as several messages back and forth.
I did not miss church unless I was out of town or running fever. I read the Prayer Book every morning and prayed in ways I never understood before. Several weeks passed. One Sunday I had just taken Communion and was kneeling at the pew praying. Tears welled in my eyes, and I found the strength to forgive. I felt such a burden lifted from me that I was crying, but it was with joy and awe. I was able to do the unthinkable—to forgive someone whom I had allowed to hurt me for so long even though that person had passed on to be with the Father several years ago. I was happy, truly happy, for the first time in a very long time. But it did not end here.
I kept praying, joined classes, and became busy doing things around church. I began learning of the Holy Spirit in a way I had not understood before. He is the ultimate Comforter. I learned to invite Him into my heart, to dwell in my heart. I gave my heart to our Lord and asked that He help me have a loving relationship with Him. “Help me hear when you speak so that I will know what I am to do.” For the first time in my life I heard what I was to do. The pathway was still opening up for me. I found that I was happier and more joyful than ever; however, now I could not sleep. I was awakened in the middle of the night every night thinking, “What can I do at church; what should I do at church; what would really help the church?” I could not turn loose of those thoughts. Sometimes I would get up and search the Internet for ideas to improve the church building or just anything that I could do to help the church.
I finally discussed this with our priest, and he replied that I had been “touched by the Holy Spirit.” Me? I thought my mind was in overdrive. No, it truly was the Holy Spirit. Our priest sent a passage of Scripture for me to read and after reading it, I was to listen for the Holy Spirit. I read it and He spoke, saying “I am in your heart.” I have never felt so blessed in my life. I went to bed that evening feeling so joyful that I had taken this walk and found my Lord and Savior.
I awoke the next morning and began speaking in my mind, telling the Holy Spirit that I was so happy He was in my heart and that I give my heart to Him. At that moment, my back involuntarily arched and I felt tingling warmth radiate from my heart through my arms to the tips of my fingers. My priest had asked if I would consider writing an article for the Epistle about my experience, and I was going to do just that. I truly believe that since the warmth radiated from my heart to the tips of my fingers, the Holy Spirit was telling me to write. So I did.
You have my story as it stands today. I don’t know what I will be told to do tomorrow, but I am here and He is with me. I have no doubt that I will understand what I am to do next. I will continue to pray and attend His church at All Saints. I feel His presence is so large at All Saints and His work is waiting to be done. I pray that all of us can pick up our crosses and walk with Him. Help build this church into a place of worship that is in His honor and full of His glory. We have a very unique opportunity to do something wonderful in our lives. No matter what problems you have in your life, I understand. I also understand that you can overcome them with prayer, faith, and belief. I do not make proclamations lightly, but I can tell you this happened to me and I am changed.
Thanks be to God!
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